took up more than a couple of new commitments, because i'm gasping to move on with life. my thoughts are that these binding arrangements will transform the ordinary course of things, and just maybe i will come out a little better. a little tougher and smarter. i thought i was tough and smart enough, but now i know i'm just a pile of blocks. every day of growing up takes so much effort, even as a passive process... all that coming to terms with new things that i see or feel.

for now, the rest of the semester looks like a blur from here, i honestly can't tell the trajectory...

初恋

sian need to buck up

skew lines
broken charts
flooded streets
empty hearts

messing up my lines
this script aint mine
searching for a hint of divine
to explain all i cant define

its still so cold
its getting old
near the black hole
cant just say no

so on it goes

i don't even try to be reticent or taciturn as they call me. i'm just more comfortable this way.

these moments don't belong here

the silence
so calming yet so frightening

save me from myself

woke up from a dream and felt so empty

missing pieces loom larger

past and future seem further

and this empty moment drags on forever

the shallow deep
the mental trip
the freudian slip

winding roads that lead to nowhere

i've lost my cause
forgotten who i was
in pursuit of what i'd lost

can you remind me who you are?
fleeting memory that seems so far
yet through my heart still tearing scars
scorching the night sky and fading stars

and in your trail of smoke and lace
or perhaps not too long ago, somewhere yesterday
amidst stranger conversations and stranger names
i was gone without a trace
in the crowd just another nameless face

grey hay

long gone
the swan song
could never belong
could never be wrong

don't know where we won't go

won't know where we don't go

conversation killer

you can dance with the queen if you need,
and she will always keep your cards close to her heart

so close to her heart
 ...before they tear you apart

where did i go wrong
i lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitternes ....

the lizard the blizzard and the bigot

so hard to get to sleep
with the scars that run so deep
and the ends that never meet

there's a recoil always when you fire that gun

and i forgot what i came for

yesterday
all my troubles seemed so far away

now i'm wondering why i gave a damn anyway

the words i ate

the storm in my head
that i cant placate
what was done, and has been said
and the nights spend lying in bed

alone, afraid
of an ending i cant create
of a fire i cant sedate
and of the hollowness which fixates

a frozen lake this love, cold frigid stare will skate around me, 'in my heart she left a hole'