so often, the rare occurrence

deluded and delirious
sometimes i don't know what i'm talking about
don't take everything so seriously
the world isn't what it seems to be
some divine intervention gave us all poorer eyesight so we needn't see everything so clearly
more noise around means we aren't supposed to be hearing all around explictly
more noobs like me so the rest can live life more brilliantly
simple, simply excusable

for a moment it wasnt about any one else but myself

theres kinda like this entangled spaghetti mess in my brain
and i'm trying desperately to separate them out strand by strand

i think i'm a misfit in society
i claim to have totally no idea where i want to be
i think i roughly know
just that it doesn't quite fit in with societal norms
and as much as people tell you to pursue your dreams
you cant deny the fact that you live in a society and have to conform to it
i envy people who grow up among the group of people defined to be 'successful' in society
they know where they want to be
in a way
so much easier to say 'just follow your dreams'
because it fits nicely into society
i guess it'll be hard for them to see what i'm getting at
'success is as you define it'
but in a society can you be sure of so?
when you come to a point where you realise where you want to be conflicts with attainable success, as society defines it, the definition you, as a member of society, have accepted, what do you do?
you cant just reject the definition
its just like any other accepted norms
like not stealing
like i just cant talk myself out saying that stealing is alright
so since i cant change the definition of success i have accepted
i tried to change where i want to be
in a way i have succeeded
but then i realised that theres no way i'm gonna get there
i cant make up for lost time
i cant make it up the top
and theres always something pulling me back to the start
and now i'm stuck in this circle
either way
i know i'm not gonna be able to attain success as i know it
and by convincing myself that i need to change where i want to be
i became confused because i failed to let go of the previous one
and perhaps now i really don't know where i want to be
perhaps
theres this little chance left
if i commit myself to this last minute dash
that i would be able to get all that i want to
all that i want to be
while keeping my values
achieving success
realising all the dreams
the ones i had all the while and those i found along the way
or perhaps thats too much to ask for from someone who just a moment ago was pretty much convinced on not being able to get anything at all
stop brooding over it and just get started!

ok i talk too much i should learn how to shut up
not just now
i realise that people around me cant escape knowing too much about me
which isnt a bad thing
but some things concerning other are better left unknown
not for my benefit but for those in question
i'm afraid that one day my inability to shut up will result in any form of trouble for any one else
or maybe its just someone else
whom i just cant keep my mouth shut about

and one last thing
i resolve not be late again
i've had enough if others hadn't

and the cts hit sooner than i had realised
doesnt feel as good as it should
pretty much a C or D tmr
B if im lucky
essays pretty off of late
just downhill aft ct 1
39 - 32 - 27
brilliance
and even the 39 was an obvious fluke
i hope i hit my minimum point soon if i hadnt
and not hit maximum for another half a year
my compre was never there
hope i find it tmr
u noe
like ppl stuck out in the wilderness for days then suddenly one day see a clear path out
i hope i see the way to pass compre tmr
as well as the way away from failing my essay

i cant wait
term 2 will be over in a couple of days
i cant count
and i dun intend to
though it looks like a pretty tough month after this week
with SAT and CTs to contend with
and camps and a chalet
hopefully i'll be able to squeeze out some time for my dear friends
and that sexy thing lying in the corner of my room
oh yea

hope my dying amp holds on til then
if not, i'll still have the computer with some kickass prog lang found on the net and i have yet to try
but i'll still prefer the amp in spite of its ... erm ... shortcomings
for its organic sounds
pure orgasm

improbable

unlike anything else this was love at first sight



























but just like all else seems like it'll never be mine

i wonder

what's art?
perhaps art is about beauty
but whats beauty?
is it in the expression and interpretation of human emotions or in technicality?
maybe it's because i'm not good at anything
but i'll say its in emotions
technicality, in my opinion, should only be used to better express these emotions
should only be used to just enough to get the emotions across
but it seems like most of 'art' out there is about technicality
it for its sake
it it all that we care for?
then why not we get computers to create art?
or is it about emphasizing how humans, as imperfect as they may be, can be close to perfect?
and we value technicality because we see in these 'art' signs of human qualities most people dream of, of perfection, that most can never achieve?
is art about glory, about showing how good you are, for the sake of it?
have we became so obsessed with getting to the top, that beauty, instead of being associated with humane emotions, have became with perfection?
i guess it did
cuz people seem to use 'beauty' and 'perfection' interchangeably
or maybe it has been all the while and i was just a disillusioned kid
but still, if only we could only separate art and perfection
we might get to the heart of life
yeah i know its good

i'm frustrated

by my lack of ability to get anything right
by my inherent ability to screw up any damn thing i try
by that innate inability to achieve success in anything and everything
its more than
'i'm not good enough'
its more like
'i just plainly, simply, suck'
no consolation nor salvation in sight
the worse for the better
times when it seems like it couldn't get any worse are always the times everything gets worse
whats 'rock bottom'?

well castro's out as lang would have liked it
but to be fair he deserved it for the last performance he had
was kinda surprised
not by the result but for what he did at his last performance
ok u dun have to take my comments seriously cuz i almost never watched american idol
juz following castro abit cuz lang say hes one to watch
which i cant deny
oh well just wishing him all the best in whatever he wants to do next time
but put simply, this was plain sexy

when all else fails, flail

blown

home in the stone
cold to the bone
hot to the cone
moan alone

i admit i'm trying hard to numb my brain
doing my best to ease the pain
i admit i thought it to be easy
never thought it would leave me this shitty